It’s the only ability we have outside of text and pictures we can use, so we should obviously use it.
And we do talk to each other, right? RIGHT?! We are on calls at work from early morning until late evening everyday. Either talking, listening, or petting a cat on our lap, hoping no one will notice.
Here is a thing though; we are generally really bad at it. And if you think we are not, tell me why you are pleasently surprised when someone just immediately GETS something. You know, when it clicks and you realise you both speak the same language somehow. Shouldn’t it be common thing if we are all great at communicating, explaining and alligning (i.e. TALKING)?
Why would we need endless powerpoints, diagrams or Jeff Bezos’s* crips documents, if we all just know what’s going on? Why would we need steering commitees, decision groups and endless catch-ups?
Because we know that if we don’t talk, things go badly.
Yet we are bad at communicating and there is a reason why. Where would we learn it? We learn to communicate as we go through life, each of us in our pace influenced by different people and situations.
However it is not the only reason. It’s not just skill as debating or arguing.
A significant part is the unknown of our mind and the emotional state we are in. The fear, anxiety, overconfidence. The drive to be always right, not to look like a fool. To show everyone we are the leader in the room. All the biases we are not aware of we have picked up in our lifetime.
How many times have you not said anything, not to look stupid? How many times have you said something you knew you disagreed imediatelly you said it just to be liked? You know the feeling when your body tells you you should not have said it.**
How oftern do you feel inferior, so you would rather not say anything and how often do you feel talked over?
When did you feel that you cannot talk about something in a fear that will be used against you? Surely, there was a time you were chugged under a bus so to speak. So why would you risk going through it again?
And there is so many other dynamics that make communication at work not easy.
However there is a freedom and peace in openness, in willingess to look stupid, and to ask the basic questions. To talk about what is going through your head when you think about problems and solutions. Yes, there is a vulnerability in it, but there is also a courage. And where there is a vulnerability and courage, there is trust.
Because we all have our own problems and we all wish we could be more courages and more open. To be able to talk about your viewpoint, which you cannot fully describe at the moment, because you don’t understand it well enough to formulate it. It might be your first day on a job, in an industry, group of friends or a culture, and everything is new.
But we recognise it in others. That’s why we trust it. We see the curiosity and honesty and we know we are the same or at least we wish we could be***.
We need to be more open on both sides, not to be afraid to speak but also to listen without judgement. And this one is juicy. This is the part where we are judgemental, so we know others will be towards us as well. You can picture the catch-22 here, I hope.
And it is on each of us to step out the that cycle and yes, to be vulnerable first. But you are a leader, aren’t you? So lead by example, listen without a jugment, be vulnerable, and find common ground.
Simply talk.
*Namedropping my man, so one day he will read this and I will be soo happy.
**This is an interesting approach to finding your authenticity. Watch your feelings after you say something. Often your authenticity will disagree with you and you will feel it. Perhaps in your chest, similar to an anxiety?
***Just have a self-compassion, we are all slightly different.
Just above average 